Wearing dice on my head since 2008 Programmer, engineer, scientist, critic, gamer, dreamer, and kid-at-heart. Randomly amazed.

Indiana Jones: Raiders vs Crystal Skull

· by Roy · Read in about 3 min · (520 Words)
Categories: Pop Culture | Tags: Movies Review

So I saw _Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull _last Friday. Two days later I also watched for the first time _Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark.

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Instead of doing a lame movie review, here’s a double header feature!

(Warning: Spoilers for both movies follow)

Criteria Raiders of the Lost Ark Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Winner
Opening Sequence Indy explores an abandoned ruin, is betrayed by his companion, recovers a lost artifact only to get it snatched by the bad guy. Later, his boring lecture at the university is interrupted by some university official telling him the government was looking for him Indy explores an abandoned warehouse, is betrayed by his companion, recovers a lost artifact only to get it snatched by the bad guy. Later, his boring lecture at the university is interrupted by some university official telling him the government was looking for him Tie
Death Traps Walls that shoot arrows, spike-filled pits, spears thrusting out of the walls, huge rocks rolling down the corridor, weight-sensitive platform. Refrigerator and a nuclear bomb Crystal Skull
Indy's Love Interest Young Marion Ravenwood, played by Karen Allen Old Marion Williams, played by Karen Allen Raiders
Indy's Sidekick John Rhys-Davies, famous for appearing in Sliders and as Gimli in

Lord of the Rings

. Makes me think of Pavarotti.
Shia Lebouf, famous for appearing in Transformers. Homer Simpson describes him as "not quite a nerd, not quite a hunk." Makes me think of Bumblebee. Raiders. I liked Sliders.
The bad guy A snooty French Archeologist, played by Paul Freeman. A snooty Soviet agent, played by Cate Blanchett. Thinks she is psychic. Crystal Skull
Other adversaries Nazis; Hitler; Egyptian street punks who are really bad at fighting. Russians; Mayans with poison darts Crystal Skull
Artifact The Ark of the Covenant, said to contain the original Ten Commandments. Inexplicably cursed. A crystal alien skull, said to be able to speak directly to the mind. Inexplicably magnetic. Crystal Skull
Best fight scene Indy versus large Russian brawler while Marion attempts to get a small plane under control. Shia Lebouf fencing with Cate Blanchett, while straddling two running vehicles. Crystal Skull
Number of times Indy gets caught 3 5 Raiders
What happened to the bad guys? Had the flesh peeled off their bones via dated 80's-style special effects Disintegrated and transported through the space bridge, but not before achieving omniscience. Raiders
What happened to the artifact? Hidden away in Area 51 warehouse Re-attached to it's body and flew off to Dimension X Crystal Skull
Ending sequence The government denies everything. Indy and the museum get a lot of cash. Indy and Marion get married, and we're tempted with Shia Lebouf attempting to don the fedora. Crystal Skull

Winner:

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Indiana Jones and Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

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Comments

Comment by Kam on 2008-06-04 12:56:08 +0000

Lazy.

Comment by Switch on 2008-06-04 21:26:18 +0000

Added: One of the Mayans was Ernie Reyes, Jr.

Comment by Roy on 2008-06-05 13:39:26 +0000

Wow, you’re right. He gets such lame roles now. To think he used to be a ninja

turtle.

Comments