One thing about spending a free day at home. The temperature in my room gets really high during the afternoon, it’s quite uncomfortable. Especially since I’m used to wasting away most of my daylight hours in an airconditioned office.
It’s good to spend a couple of days away from the office though – God only knows I’ve been so damn uninspired with work lately. For the past two weeks or so, I haven’t had much heart for my work. Most of the time, I code while wondering if I should file for half a day’s sick leave and head home. Except that I don’t know if boredom is a valid excuse.
(Madness, despair and self-doubt lay ahead, uncharacteristically. You have been warned.)
I don’t know why. I guess I’m just tired. Tired of overly complicated modules. Tired of badly designed data models. Tired of losing two hours every day to commuting. Tired of the heat. Tired of all the people. And maybe, just maybe, tired of trying to figure out how to win her attention. Just her attention mind you. I would be satisfied with just her attention for a good while, and that says a lot.
Or maybe I’m just losing my sense of belonging. I like the people at work, I really do. I have friends there. Close friends, even. People whom I’ve opened up to, shared secrets with, confided in. I don’t think I’ve had any new close friends since the original zu crew. And I like the job, or I wouldn’t have stayed this long. And I am quite sure that I am quite good at what I do. So why do thoughts of resigning keep coming up?
I’m lying to myself of course. I know the reason why it’s been so hard to keep a good mood lately. I found out some things I shouldn’t have, through methods I should not have used. I did not learn anything I did not already suspect. I had nothing to gain by trying to find out, I knew that knowing these things for certain would shatter me, yet I had to know. So I went ahead anyway. And my heart is paying the price.
I’ve been a fool. I know this to be true, I’ve known it all along. I’ve always hated letting my emotions get the better of me; I should’ve held myself back this time same as any other. What made me think it would be any different? What made me think I could fight fate? What made me think I had what it takes?
And now I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I have the strength to go on. There’s gap there that I don’t know how to traverse. A barrier that only grows stronger as I fight it. Common sense and several people in the know tell me that it’s alright to quit. I’ve fought the good fight, there is no shame in surrender. It happens all the time, people try and people fail.
This can’t possibly be good for me. Already it’s starting to affect my work somehow. And I’m pretty sure that it’s holding me back in more ways than that. This isn’t going anywhere, and it’s making me so frickin’ weak. It seems so obvious what needs to be done.
Then why is it so hard to let go?