Roy Tang

Programmer, engineer, scientist, critic, gamer, dreamer, and kid-at-heart.

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Life-Changing Events

"Life-changing events"... one would think I'm about to speak of something like a natural disaster, getting married or quitting my job, something that would create a profound change in my life.

No, I'm going to talk about something a bit less dramatic, but it has had a profound effect on me nonetheless. I don't talk about these things that often, but hey, what use is a blog if you can't use it as an outlet, right?

I'm in love. Yup, I am. Whereas I previously considered myself as someone strong enough to be emotionally independent from other people, I find myself now thinking about a certain person constantly, worried about how she is, having my mood depend on how she interacts with me, and generally acting quite nervously around her. I won't mention her name, but I will say I've known her for a bit of time now, and it took me a while to reconcile the desires of my heart and the objections of my mind; but today I am sure: I love her.

This sort of thing is really not my style, I normally don't like to speak of romantic ideals or anything, so I'll cut to the chase. She knows, I told her. And her response? Well, it was less than what I wanted, but more than I expected. In her own words: "I'm not closing any doors on you, but I'm not leaving any windows open either." She wants us to be friends, she doesn't want me to court her, she says if she feels something for me somewhere along the way, then that's it; if not, then too bad.

Now, I'm generally stupid about this sort of thing myself, so to be honest, I have no idea how to proceed. I want to pursue something with her, but for now, I really have no choice but to settle for building a friendship and hope that fate gives me a chance some day. (It seems I have a tendency to rely on fate for such things... )

I guess the main reason I'm blogging this is that I realize it's brought about a change in my life... and I want to remember it. I want to remember that this is the time I changed, and that she was the reason why.

How did I change? For one thing, I seem to have gotten back a whole lot friendlier, and also a whole lot moodier. She brought out my gloomy side again -- the side of me that's logical and analytical. He seldom needs to come out because I can usually rely on my normal self to handle things. But this whole issue with her — I have no idea how to handle it, so gloomy side comes out. Except he has no idea what to do either. It isn't exactly a problem well-suited to logical analysis, and it frustrates me so much that something I feel so strongly about could be so out of my control.

Two things have happened as a result of this, basically: one, I'm more open to people now; and two, I spent some time thinking about love and life, and my life in general, where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I learned a lot about myself; maybe I'll write about it one of these days.

For now, I just want to remember that she is the reason I'm feeling this way...

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Last modified at: Jan. 17, 2021, 4:58 a.m.. Source file