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On our way down the mountain from Batangas, we stopped in a small, quaint town filled with old-fashioned simple folk. For some reason, I took the opportunity to vanish into the shadows and watch as the buses left me behind. I roamed around the small town, hoping to find some sort of means with which I could escape my mundane life and start over in a some other paradise.

Twice people from the company came back, looking for someone, but apparently not me. I successfully dodged their attentions the first time by hiding inside a dinky comfort room that looked like nobody bothered to maintain it, although it was a close call since one of them also followed me in and I was forced to hide in one of the cubicles. The second time I had to walk right past two women from our company, which I accomplished by pretending to be devouring a newspaper article that conveniently covered my place.

With that done, my escape was nearly complete. I slunk around the shadows as dusk started to arrive, and somehow walked into a nice middle-aged lady’s house; I asked her where the nearest seven-eleven or ministop was, but she shrugged and apparently there were none in town. Instead I was able to find a small neighborhood drugstore, and began looking around for something to eay, hoping nobody would notice me…

…and then I woke up. I get the weirdest dreams when I stay up overnight on Saturday and sleep through Sunday afternoon. This one was particularly vivid, though I wish I could have remembered more of the details (and I was fudging some stuff here and there); when I woke up I had the distinct impression that there were much more adventurous undertones in the dream than I recalled. I considered using my awesome dream-recall powers to go back to sleep and continue the dream, but then I realized I was late for Church…

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One thing about spending a free day at home. The temperature in my room gets really high during the afternoon, it’s quite uncomfortable. Especially since I’m used to wasting away most of my daylight hours in an airconditioned office.

It’s good to spend a couple of days away from the office though - God only knows I’ve been so damn uninspired with work lately. For the past two weeks or so, I haven’t had much heart for my work. Most of the time, I code while wondering if I should file for half a day’s sick leave and head home. Except that I don’t know if boredom is a valid excuse.

(Madness, despair and self-doubt lay ahead, uncharacteristically. You have been warned.)

I don’t know why. I guess I’m just tired. Tired of overly complicated modules. Tired of badly designed data models. Tired of losing two hours every day to commuting. Tired of the heat. Tired of all the people. And maybe, just maybe, tired of trying to figure out how to win her attention. Just her attention mind you. I would be satisfied with just her attention for a good while, and that says a lot.

Or maybe I’m just losing my sense of belonging. I like the people at work, I really do. I have friends there. Close friends, even. People whom I’ve opened up to, shared secrets with, confided in. I don’t think I’ve had any new close friends since the original zu crew. And I like the job, or I wouldn’t have stayed this long. And I am quite sure that I am quite good at what I do. So why do thoughts of resigning keep coming up?

I’m lying to myself of course. I know the reason why it’s been so hard to keep a good mood lately. I found out some things I shouldn’t have, through methods I should not have used. I did not learn anything I did not already suspect. I had nothing to gain by trying to find out, I knew that knowing these things for certain would shatter me, yet I had to know. So I went ahead anyway. And my heart is paying the price.

I’ve been a fool. I know this to be true, I’ve known it all along. I’ve always hated letting my emotions get the better of me; I should’ve held myself back this time same as any other. What made me think it would be any different? What made me think I could fight fate? What made me think I had what it takes?

And now I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know whether I have the strength to go on. There’s gap there that I don’t know how to traverse. A barrier that only grows stronger as I fight it. Common sense and several people in the know tell me that it’s alright to quit. I’ve fought the good fight, there is no shame in surrender. It happens all the time, people try and people fail.

This can’t possibly be good for me. Already it’s starting to affect my work somehow. And I’m pretty sure that it’s holding me back in more ways than that. This isn’t going anywhere, and it’s making me so frickin’ weak. It seems so obvious what needs to be done.

Then why is it so hard to let go?

Posted by Roy in Personal Thoughts | No Comments

Posted by Roy in Personal Thoughts | No Comments

“So, what’s your New Year’s resolution?”
“I resolve to live life on purpose, to take control of my fate, to sieze each day as if it were my last. I will be reckless. I will be daring. I will be strong. I will challenge fate. I will defy the gods. Or I will die trying.”
“…Why can’t you just quit smoking or go on a diet like ordinary people?”
“It’s like you don’t know me at all. Life is too short to be ordinary.”

So the year 2004 has come and gone, never to be seen again, unless you look in the archives. This is my looking back/looking forward post, for the transition between 2004 and 2005, no more than eleven days late. (I’m part-Chinese, so I actually get to delay this until Chinese New Year, but I’m cool, so I’ll do it early.)

2004 Highlights

In mostly chronological, but actually no particular, order:

• I dared to fall in love, consequently got my heart broken. Am still in the same place, apparently.
• I was able to go outside the country for the first time.
• Bought a digital camera (and still no phone!)
• Went to Bicol for the first time in eight years.
• I passed the JITSE certification exam. I got to read more.
• I started to have health concerns. Oh, and I’m not sure, but I may very well have pissed off my dentist.
• I started taking this blog a bit more seriously. Added the comments thing, made it a bit more public. My favorite post of this year: My Eyeglasses Belong to the Sea.

Seriously, I think I’ve changed a lot this past year. Especially due to the first entry above. Personally, I feel like I’ve broadened my horizons somewhat, I feel stronger, better as a person, more confident in myself. I’m a lot less antisocial now, and heaven forbid, I actually greet people in the office in the mornings and before I go home! Professionally, I feel like I’ve accomplished a lot as well. I learned a lot of new things; I’m a Web developer now, although my area of expertise is now apparently Oracle Reports; Participated in a lot more projects than I did in 2003, learned a lot of new stuff; Became a trainer for several batches of newbies (I think half the office calls me ‘Sir’ now…); had my first ON, etc. All in all, a very productive/fruitful/exciting year was 2004.

And the future? What does 2005 hold for our brave not-so-young hero?

I tried thinking up some New Year’s resolutions, but, as many intelligent folk know, resolutions suck. Sure, they probably have some motiviational value, but if you really know what you want, you shouldn’t need the end of an arbitrarily-decided calendar year to start. So, in lieu of resolutions, I present the following list of things-I-might-have-resolved-to-do:

• Blog every day. This was a good idea, but I figured forcing yourself to do something regularly just for the sake of it was not a good thing. I’ll blog when I have something to say, thanks.
• Learn to cook/bowl well. This sounds neat. But the real problem with me trying to learn new skills outside my comfort zone is that they tend to eat up goof-off time. But I want to learn new things. So, for this one, I’ll do ‘em if I can and I feel like it.
• Learn PHP/mySQL and use dynamic stuff for this website. This is an easier proposition, since it’s something that falls well within one of my areas of interest (coding). However, I already code a lot at work, so I’m not really that motivated to code outside of work. I think I may be able to do this to some degree or other though.
• Broaden my horizons. Do new things. Visit new places. This is a good idea. And I hope I can do it some. But I won’t resolve to do it.

That’s it I guess, let’s see what 2005 has in store for us. Bring it!

Posted by Roy in Daily Life, Personal Thoughts | No Comments

I usually prefer my holidays to be times of rest. Times to be free from work and stress, to indulge in things I like to do. I’ve just realized that Christmas is a rather stressful season.

For one thing, there’s the multitude of Christmas gatherings one has to attend. With family. With relatives. With friends. With friends of family. With coworkers. With coworkers who are friends. It’s not that I don’t enjoy myself at these gatherings mind you. In fact, lately I’ve found myself enjoying the company of other people more. It’s just that I’m not yet an entirely social person, and too many social gatherings too soon somewhat stretches the limits of my comfort zone.

Christmas is stressful. Everyone is busy, busy, busy. Going from place to place apparently, as the traffic has been horrible lately, with jams stretching well into the early morning.

Speaking of early morning, I left work close to midnight last night. We’ve been in crunch mode for the past two weeks or so, what with multiple deadlines coming up in January. Not that I can’t handle of course. But it doesn’t help that every other developer in one of my projects is going to be on vacation next week. Since I’ve had to run on pure genius these past few days, and as side effect, I was often more loud, sarcastic and smarmy than usual. To anyone who was annoyed by this, I apologize.

And the highlight of my last day of work before Christmas? Sometime before dinner I wrote a love letter and sent it by email to her. Nothing much, just telling her some things I wanted her to know, and greeting her for the holidays and stuff. I wasn’t expecting anything back, but I guess I got lucky. A few minutes before I left the office, I got a jabber message from her. To paraphrase:

her: boo!
her: thanks for the lovely letter 
me: I'm glad you liked it. my christmas is complete  

There was more of course, a small exchange of pleasantries and even more holiday greetings. But I got that warm, fuzzy feeling again. Maybe Christmas this year wasn’t so bad after all. =)

Happy Holidays!

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A new hand has been dealt, the game has changed but the stakes remain the same. Fate tempts me with its’ winds of change, and what once was thought lost forever may once again be within reach. This time I tread carefully however, as my recklessness may once again be the bane of my quest. Hold my hands close to my chest, bide my time, and see what the fates have in store for our hero…

Posted by Roy in Personal Thoughts | 1 Comment

(Warning: sappy!)

Have you ever been in love with someone who can’t love you back?

Unrequited love: one of the worst possible states a human being could ever hope to achieve.

It starts quite innocently. You start to notice this certain person. You find her sweet and friendly. You like the way she looks, the way she talks, the way she smiles. She’s pretty cute, she’s smart, and her smile is enough to melt your heart. You hang out with her every so often. You find something about her that turns you on. Pretty soon you find yourself thinking about her more than usual.

What is it about her that has your interest? You’re not sure. You don’t even know her that well. She’s not the type of person you always thought you’d fall for. She’s not a super-beautiful hot babe. She doesn’t give any special indication that she’s even remotely interested. But your heart doesn’t give a damn, you love her anyway.

You start to worry about how you’re feeling. You wonder whether you should try to get close. Or maybe you should be upfront and tell her how you feel. You agonize for weeks; all the words left unsaid, swimming around in your head, yearning for release. You want to be careful. But you want to shout your love from the rooftops.

It doesn’t matter. In a moment of weakness, it comes out. Your first mistake. You tell her how you feel. Verbally, by SMS, by email, by chat, by hand-written note, it doesn’t matter. It all starts coming out. Like a fool, you pour your heart out, believing that your love for her is enough; enough for her to give you a chance.

No such luck. She won’t even consider it. She can only be your friend she says. You walk away, sad, shattered, dejected, not knowing what to do. It rips away your heart, the fact that you love her so much, you feel so strongly for her, yet she cannot return even a fraction of the intensity of your emotion. You feel so helpless, so powerless over this situation that means the world to you.

You ask yourself what went wrong. Did you say something stupid, did you do anything wrong, did you blow it? No, she says, there’s nothing wrong with you, it’s me. Bullshit, you say to yourself.

You try to keep on hanging out with her, to be her friend, as she says. But you can’t . Every moment you spend with her is infinity of torture. You want to speak out, tell her how you feel, remind her that there’s someone loving her. Seeing her is pure agony. In yet another moment of weakness, you make your second mistake. You tell her you still love her, you tell her you’re still there.

She refuses to talk about it; she says she doesn’t want to feel the guilt. Damnit! You blame yourself, asking why you always say the wrong things at the wrong time.

Soon, things become awkward between the two of you, and you drift apart. You see her everyday, but you barely talk. You still feel the same way, but you can’t even comfortably spend time with her anymore.

You tell yourself that you should just try to be her friend. You bottle up your feelings, try to set them aside. They eat away at your heart, tear apart your soul. Running into her becomes a double-edged sword; you’re glad to see the smile on her face, but you’re saddened by the awkward silence that exists between you.

You start to question yourself. You start to ask God what you did to deserve this sort of pain. Are you really so unattractive, so unremarkable, that the girl of your dreams won’t even consider you? Was it really too much to hope that this girl could at least look beyond your outer shell and try to get to know the real you?

You start to doubt the girl you fell in love with. Maybe she wasn’t as nice as you once thought? Maybe she’s an evil, heartless bitch? Maybe she’s no more special than you are, maybe you’ve put her up on a pedestal, and maybe you’d just be disappointed if the reality did not match your expectations? Is she really worth all this pain?

You start to think about how you feel. Are you really in love with her? Or do you just want her because you can’t have her? Are you in love with the real her, not just some made-up idea of her?

“This is madness!� you finally conclude. “There has to be more to life than this… Why should I waste so much of my time and energy pining over this woman, a woman who will probably never even consider me, a woman whom I’m not even sure why I’m attracted to?” You come to a decision. You will get rid of these feelings, these emotions; push them away to some dark corner of your soul and leave them to rot.

And you do it. It pains your heart to do so, but you start to avoid her. You don’t talk to her unless you need to. Whenever you think of her, you throw yourself into your work, your hobbies, your friends, anything to rid your mind of her lingering presence. You do what it takes. You pull out that part of your heart that remembers her smile, and you bury it inside, deep inside, so that you may never feel those painful emotions again. You kill that part of your soul that knows how to love and how to live.

It is living pain and torture, but eventually you manage to do it. You manage to regain control of your mind, heart and soul. You’re finally at peace. All is right with the world.

And then you see her again.

She greets you, talks to you, compliments you, smiles at you. And suddenly all your hard work fades away. Your world is no longer your own. You’re falling in love, all over again.

You recognize it, and you accept it. You are able to survive, because somehow, through all those moments of pain, heartbreak and despair, a light shines through. Every so often, you manage to get some time to sit with her, talk to her, see her smile. And those moments, while very rare, are also very precious. Those moments are pure, unadulterated bliss, and you wish there was a way to make them last forever. They are no more than fleeting instants between oceans of pain, but somehow, those few moments are enough to make all of the loneliness worthwhile…

And the cruel, vicious cycle repeats itself…

Posted by Roy in Personal Thoughts | 1 Comment

“Life-changing events”…one would think I’m about to speak of something like a natural disaster, getting married or quitting my job, something that would create a profound change in my life.

No, I’m going to talk about something a bit less dramatic, but it has had a profound effect on me nonetheless. I don’t talk about these things that often, but hey, what use is a blog if you can’t use it as an outlet, right?

I’m in love. Yup, I am. Whereas I previously considered myself as someone strong enough to be emotionally independent from other people, I find myself now thinking about a certain person constantly, worried about how she is, having my mood depend on how she interacts with me, and generally acting quite nervously around her. I won’t mention her name, but I will say I’ve known her for a bit of time now, and it took me a while to reconcile the desires of my heart and the objections of my mind; but today I am sure: I love her.

This sort of thing is really not my style, I normally don’t like to speak of romantic ideals or anything, so I’ll cut to the chase. She knows, I told her. And her response? Well, it was less than what I wanted, but more than I expected. In her own words: “I’m not closing any doors on you, but I’m not leaving any windows open either.” She wants us to be friends, she doesn’t want me to court her, she says if she feels something for me somewhere along the way, then that’s it; if not, then too bad.

Now, I’m generally stupid about this sort of thing myself, so to be honest, I have no idea how to proceed. I want to pursue something with her, but for now, I really have no choice but to settle for building a friendship and hope that fate gives me a chance some day. (It seems I have a tendency to rely on fate for such things…)

I guess the main reason I’m blogging this is that I realize it’s brought about a change in my life…and I want to remember it. I want to remember that this is the time I changed, and that she was the reason why.

How did I change? For one thing, I seem to have gotten back a whole lot friendlier, and also a whole lot moodier. She brought out my gloomy side again - the side of me that’s logical and analytical. He seldom needs to come out because I can usually rely on my normal self to handle things. But this whole issue with her — I have no idea how to handle it, so gloomy side comes out. Except he has no idea what to do either. It isn’t exactly a problem well-suited to logical analysis, and it frustrates me so much that something I feel so strongly about could be so out of my control.

Two things have happened as a result of this, basically: one, I’m more open to people now; and two, I spent some time thinking about love and life, and my life in general, where I want to go and what I want to do. I think I learned a lot about myself; maybe I’ll write about it one of these days.

For now, I just want to remember that she is the reason I’m feeling this way…

Posted by Roy in Personal Thoughts | 2 Comments